Sleeping like a Baby

"People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one." - Leo J. Burke

So the other day I was sat around a table with my wife, my best friend and president Obama (who had recently lost the US Election). I cant remember what we were discussing, but it must have been important because I was wearing carrot shaped slippers.

Anyway, I became aware of a really loud siren sounding noise which was getting louder and louder. I was just about to voice my concerns as to what it was when I woke up.

Taking a second or two to get my bearings, I realised that the sound in my dream was the sound of my son and your future king, who was having a bit of a tear up with the wife in the living room. I could hear the wife telling him that he needed to burp, and he wasn't getting another drop until he did. His lordship was most unhappy about such insolence, and was letting the wife know his feelings.

I felt very strange, very odd indeed. I couldn't put my finger on it and I hoped I wasn't coming down with something.

We have a strict bedtime regime with Joshua that we have been imposing for about 8 weeks, which is come 9pm, he must have had his last feed and gets put in his cot. Sometimes he kicks up a fuss and the saga drags on a bit, but by and large he is asleep between 8.30pm - 10pm.

That particular night he had gone to sleep at 9pm and so I had assumed the time would be about 1am, as his first sleep of the night is usually around 4 hours long an then about 2 hours each time thereafter until hes wide awake at 7am.

Looking at the clock, it showed some strange symbol. It looked remarkably like a 6. I blinked a couple of times, rubbed my eyes. Gave my head a wobble. Still looked like a 6.

Now, my wife thinks that I sleep all through the night, right through when he wakes. Truth is I just keep my eyes shut so that I cant be coerced into getting out of bed, and then I read for a bit before I go back to sleep. I have to work, so I need my sleep (that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it goddammit). Anyway, normally I wake all 4-5 times he does in the night.

I hadn't done that this time. I walked into the living room. My wife was burping him looking all happy.

Me: Did he....did he.... has he slept right through until now?
The Wife: Yep

Well, I swear to god, I kissed my wife's forehead, bro-fist bumped Joshua and did a little jig down the corridor. Then I realised I wasn't feeling odd...I was feeling refreshed. Oh the joy! 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep!!

I did what any modern man would do faced with such an amazing news. I immediately Facebooked this achievement. I got 14 likes, all from parents. Yeah, they knew the score, they had been here too.

I don't want to get too excited as it could have been a one off, and in the sleeps since he has not done a full 8 hours, but he is most certainly sleeping for longer. 

Sometimes 6 hours or so. It's bloody brilliant so it is.

Whats more brilliant, is that this is the reason we introduced the routine, and it's working. It's actually paying off. 

My hope is that very soon he will be like his old man: Sleeping 10 hours where possible, with his first thoughts when waking being either "5 more minutes" or "Bacon".

One can dream.....one can only dream.

JJ, Looking bloody downright awesome

Lessons Learned (so far)

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories. ~John Wilmot

Being a parent is the most fantastic thing in the world, but I'm not going to lie, also one of the hardest, and I'm only 3 months in! You learn more about yourself in the first few months of your child's birth than in all the years preceding it.

There are also things you learn about having a baby that no one ever tells you before hand.

Since JJ has only been future leader of the free world for 3 months I'm no expert, but I do feel I can share some findings with the world:

Tiredness becomes your friend: Within the first few weeks you will be feeling so tired that you will wonder what it ever felt like to be alert. I'm not talking slightly sleepy here, I'm talking, micro napping at your desk, "oh shit I just got caught, better wipe the drool from my lip" knackered.

Tiredness for you becomes a way of life. You get used to it, and if you can't get used to it, you had better learn sharpish. Doesn't seem like a good friend does it? Well its not, but the enemy of my enemy is my friend.....

Tiredness also affects baby. When I want to sleep and see JJ's eyes slowly closing, tiredness is not just my friend, its my ally to be embraced. Trouble is....

Babies don't know that they need to sleep: JJ screams his little baby tits off at almost every opportunity. Sometimes you have no idea why he is using his "WAHHHHHH" to such a great extent. I used to think it was just because he enjoyed seeing Mummy Slave and Daddy Bitch flap and nearly join him in extensive tears, but I have sussed him out.

If there is no reason for him to cry, if his bum is squeaky clean, his belly full and you are in the midst of entertaining him and yet he is still foghorning in your lughole, he is tired.

He cries because he is tired and his little baby brain doesn't realise that to eliminate tiredness he needs to sleep. So the cry/tired cycle continues until his head nearly explodes. There is only one way to get the boy to sleep in this situation.

The Holy Dummy: Before the boy entered this world we were given tonnes of advice from other parents, friends, family, friends with friends that are parents and anyone else that stopped Charlene in the street to feel her bump in a random show of personal space invasion.

One piece of advice that we were given was to never, ever give the child a dummy. Apparently it would cause more trouble than good, he would rely on the dummy so much, that we, as parents would be effectively causing the end of his life and he would turn into a serial killer or something to that effect.

Bollocks.

The dummy is your friend. Use it with gusto. I stuck that rubber comforter in my childs face at the earliest opportunity and have never looked back. All hail the dummy, The holy dummy is king. Death to all unbelievers.

Checking the Nappy: Under no circumstance ever, ever, I mean ever, poke your finger into the side of the nappy to see if your child has soiled itself. Its a crap idea.

Changing the nappy: I cant speak for what it is like for a baby girl, but with boys their anatomy means you will want to keep a wee-wee flannel close by when changing the lad. Because he will wait to wee until you take the nappy off.

This isn't just to clean any accidents up after they happen, its to place strategically over the little mans todger mid-change. 

Well actually you may not want to, watching him piss over his head is quite a sight to behold.

"Well you do get to sleep all day, you only have to do anything when he/she is awake"

In the interest of prolonging the ability for the human race to reproduce and continue its existence, I should share (by experience) that if you are a man, never ever say this to your partner. If she doesn't tear your baby making spheres off she will refuse to speak to you for some time.

She means it too, you selfish, selfish two bob bastard. I mean how could you?

Following that revelation that leads me onto another valid point....

Your partner does more than you believe: Sorry chaps, but at first you will think you are the one doing all the work. You go off to work, come back relieve the missus of the baby, then sleep, then go back to work. So you are basically working all day. You therefore do more than she does right?

Yeah but no. You will think that at first, because your man brain demands you believe that. But there will come a day where you will experience looking after your little bundle of joy for a prolonged period of time......if you don't beg for the working week to start you are a sadist.

Babies are funny: Seriously, I get to laugh at things that were only last socially acceptable to laugh at when I was 6 years old. 

Watching my son grunt and gruff whilst trying to fill his nappy still makes me roar with laughter three months in. Its not so much the noises, but the look of sheer determination on his face, and the eventual look of shock and surprise when he succeeds.

Sometimes the end event shocks him so much, he cries, which is one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

And baby farts. Funny because they are loud and are rapid, like little machine guns.

Buy a formula making machine: If you are bottle feeding, get a formula making machine. Seriously, invest in one now. I wish I had been told this before JJ arrived.

It takes the bottle making process away from one that makes you want to kick a puppy across the room, into one that takes 1 minute. Plus you get to push buttons and stuff. Everyone's a winner.

Seriously get one. Do it now.

Bodily fluids dont phase you anymore: You will spend 10 minutes after your baby is born, trying to avoid bodily fluids at all costs. By the 11th minute you will be so covered in puke, pee and poop you will decide to abandon such attempts.

Resistance is futile.

Your child will accidentally beat you half to death: Turns out that babies don't really have the motor skills one would expect from a human being.

One minute JJ is in my arms, holding his head up on his own like a champion, with his arm draped casually over my shoulder. A sneeze and a twitch later and he has headbutted me in the nose twice, karate chopped my adams apple and kneed me in the chin in one swift movement.

he then giggled just to rub it in....it was an accident right?

It isnt as rewarding as everyone tells you....its better So you will be there, covered in baby sick, one eye permanently shut where baby poked you in the eye 5 minutes ago, whilst frantically trying to find the holy dummy that people told you never to introduce.

At that moment you will smell something offensive and think its a great idea to check the nappy with your finger. You wipe it on your t-shirt because its the only thing within reach, and you have no self respect anymore.

You change the nappy but forget the wee-wee flannel, Baby aims straight for you, you leap to one side only to land on your new formula making machine.

Then baby smiles. 

Everything is all ok with the world.

There are more, but this is a fairly meaty post already.

Please feel free to post your own lessons below, especially anything I will need to know in the near future!

Joshua looking awesome.