Strangers and Stupid Comments

We are all born ignorant, but must work hard to remain stupid - Benjamin Franklin

I knew it was going to happen eventually at some point.

Since the day Joshua was diagnosed at the 20 week scan, the wife and I had both worried about it, talked about it, discussed what we would do when it happened. We knew it would happen... Kind of sad, but given human beings penchant for doing stupid or nasty things it was unavoidable.

This week I heard a comment by a stranger about JJs cleft. Actually I didn't hear it first hand, I heard it from my wife, who heard it from my mother in-law, who had actually heard the bloke say it. But when the wife told me, I felt like I was there and had heard it first hand.

Since I knew this situation was going to happen, and since I had mentally prepared myself for it, I had assured myself I would always remain calm in the face of other peoples stupidity.

I failed at this. I failed miserably.

Not only did I not remain calm, I went a little crazy, you see my wife told me in our living room, alone, miles away and several hours after the offence. The conversation went a little like this:

Wife: So my mum heard someone make a comment about JJ today
Me: Who? What kind of comment
Wife: Some bloke, a few hours ago in Wetherspoons, he turned to his friend and said "Did you just see that babies face, what's wrong with it?"
Me: (turning a funny shade of purple) You what? The little cock juggling prick...... His face? His FACE? My son was born that way pal, what the hell is your excuse you ugly little dickhead, you want to....
Wife: James, hes not here is he? Why are you ranting to no one?
Me: Oh yeah... I dunno.

Unfortunately I am nigh on certain that would have been my reaction if I had heard it first hand. So apart from learning I have deep rooted anger issues and enjoy shouting at thin air, I have also learnt that I'm not nearly as resolved in this department as I need to be.

You see, that comment could have just as easily have been a genuine question rather than a nasty remark. The fact is, that not many people have any experience of cleft lip or palate, and thus asking what it is, is acceptable in my view.

Asking "what is wrong with his face?" is not however. In any way, shape or form, and will clearly result in daddy bitch becoming somewhat irate.

But essentially what I am getting at, is its a very fine line between a real question and somebody saying a stupid, nasty comment.

How do you tell? And if you can tell, what in gods name do you do as a response?

Lets say for example I was there, and didn't go all "Ross Geller with his sandwich" when I heard it, because thought it was a question. Do I turn around and go and educate the person? Do I carry on walking?

No idea.

What if it was an insult? Obviously reacting the way I did in my own living room isn't going to end very well, either for myself, or the other person, so what in gods name do you do?

I don't have the answer yet.

Firstly I want to make it clear to any expectant parents of cleft babies that the above isn't the norm. We have taken Joshua out tonnes of times and the above is the first situation of this kind.

There are people that do double takes when we push him out in his pram, but, in my head at least, that is a normal human reaction, despite how annoying it is at the time.

But 99% of the people that have ever said anything about JJ have been lovely, nice, kind comments. So don't worry.

But throughout mankind's history people have proven themselves to be somewhat stupid, and therefore we need to accept that it is highly likely someone will say something stupid at some point. How we react is up to us, but I genuinely don't have the answer to what that is.

This blog is placed on several cleft forums and thus there are a lot of people out there with more experience than I have. So I would like you to comment below if you have time, and let me know what your feelings on the matter are, and how you might deal/ have dealt with a similar situation before?

In terms of a Joshua update, all I am going to say is that the wife managed to get a smile picture, which made my week. Because its the most stunning smile I have ever seen and needs to be shared with the world!

JJ, Looking awesome.